Christian Single Ladies

“How come I can’t get him to notice me?”

“How long do I have to keep pretending that this smile is real?”

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“Is something wrong with me?”

Michelle McKinney Hammond. Harvest House Publishers / 2015 / Trade Paperback. Retail: Retail Price. $13.99 Save 29%. ($4.00) 5 out of 5 stars for How to Avoid the 10 Mistakes Single Women Make. View reviews of this product.
Christian Single Ladies. I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. And really, I’ve been struggling with what to say. 2020 handed me, and us, so many downers that it just kept punching me in the gut. I tried to #staypositive and tried to #prayforchange but man, it.
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Commit to browsing TwoChristian and starting conversations with single Christian women. On Two Christian, you can get to know single Christian women in a way that is organic and real. (Proverbs31:10) Start TODAY – Mingle with Christians girls. Stop being single and getting married in a Christian Church is on the table, yes.

“Why doesn’t anyone want me?”

“Does anyone even care about me?”

“What’s the point of going on?”

“I feel so… alone.”

Does this sound familiar? Have you experienced these types of thoughts? Single Christian women often experience depression due to loneliness or from lacking intimate relationships.

About the Authors

This article is based on scientific evidence and clinical experience, written by licensed professionals and fact-checked by experts.

Why do single Christian women experience depression from loneliness?

In 2011, the United States Census Bureau reported 46% of the United States households are single, U.S. residents 18 and older who have never been married, divorced, or widowed. There can be pressure from married people, the church, and friends placed on single women to get married. The burden can cause women to think something is wrong with them if they are single or even divorced. For others there is simply a deep longing to be married.

“Is something wrong with me?” “Why doesn’t anyone want me?”

These common negative self-statements can generate damaging self-talk and spiral into depressive symptoms. Pressure from others can increase thoughts of shame, judgment, and rejection. The absence of a boyfriend or husband can feel like a dead end road defining a woman’s view of herself and her future. You may be establishing your identity and self-worth via a relationship with a man. Placing an impossible expectation on the relationship is a recipe for disappointment. Needing a relationship to determine purpose in life and happiness only makes you powerless. In truth, one should not get married or begin a relationship to fix loneliness.

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How do you define yourself?

Your identity is comprised of who you are as an individual, what you value, your interests and behaviors, who you have been, and who are you going to be. Individuals with an insecure identity experience uncertainty; they don’t know who they are or their purpose in life. Women with insecure identities may attempt to establish a sense of identity through a relationship. A relationship cannot define your identity or who you are going to be. If it does define your identity, then when it ends you will be left with nothing.

What distinguishes an unhealthy single woman, from the “healthy/secure” woman in a relationship, is often the relationship itself. The single woman must deal with not being chosen and the hypocrisy of those women who encourage her or try to help her get over it, as they do so from the security of a relationship (ie: they have the same insecurity and just don’t have to deal with it due to having a relationship).

God created each one of us with purpose and significance. God declares our worth with his actions: “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life,” John 3:16. Max Ludaco described it as if God were stating, “You are special because I made you, and I don’t make mistakes.” God wants to acknowledge who you are and the parts about you the world doesn’t understand or might not appreciate. It is easy to get distracted from who we really are and what God desires for us to do in and through Him.

God loves you. Jeremiah 29:11:“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” He believes in you and values your future. He wants you to have confidence in your identity and move forward with purpose in your life. Ask God in your prayers to reveal his truth and any pain that you are withholding that you need His healing for.

What if you could focus on your identity in Christ and let him fulfill your loneliness?

Marriage is not a higher calling and there are advantages to both the single and married life. For some, marriage can be lonelier than the single life. Celebrate singleness instead of letting the loneliness rule your life. We aren’t celebrating singleness as such, but we are celebrating our identity in Christ. It is the secure foundation on which the rest of life can be built. It changes what we do because it changes who we are.

Here are some suggestions to celebrate and embrace singleness:

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Create a gratitude journal
Develop a healthy lifestyle: Try to stay active such as joining your local gym or start walking daily and eliminate unhealthy eating habits by replacing with healthy balanced meals
Develop a bucket list: Create a list of life goals you hope to accomplish in your lifetime
Define or develop your passion: Compensate your weaknesses through your developing strengths and desires
Get involved with a ministry: Check with your community or church for volunteer and charity opportunities
Evaluate your finances and spending patterns: Get smart with your money
Strive to serve God: Meditate on his word and allow a quiet time to focus on him
Gather others around you: Step out of your comfort zone and invite someone to dinner or over a Bible study

You are not a failure. Rejoice in the moment and celebrate your freedom to serve God. God does call some to remain single longer than a season, a life time. Try viewing singleness as an opportunity. You don’t have obligations to anyone but yourself. You can focus on yourself and your relationship with God.

“Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him.”

1 Corinthians 7:17 (ESV)

How does depression brought on by loneliness look? Here are some common issues I see when working with women:

Severe emotional distress: “I’m under so much pressure; I have this anxious feeling that makes my heart rate rise, muscles tense, stomach turn, and my breathing is more rapid”
Sleep disturbance: “I can’t sleep in the night” “I keep waking up during the night”
Lack of concentration: “I have a hard time focusing at work and listening to others talk to me”
Physical ailments: “Where does this chronic migraine keep coming from? “My stomach feels like it is in a constant knot”
Fatigue: “I just can’t seem to keep my eyes open during the day” “All I want to do is sleep”
Loss or increase in appetite: “I can’t get myself to eat” “I keep eating; it wasn’t like this before”
Suicidal ideation : “I’ve been having thoughts or ideas about ending my life”

Additional symptoms of depression due to loneliness:

Grieving the loss of expectations or fantasies: Having the tendency to attempt to get reality to match a fantasy or unrealistic expectation and then experiencing despair when unable to achieve them. This could be dreaming about the perfect house, maybe a beach house on the shores of the ocean. Or it could be dreaming of having a son that becomes a pro football player or a daughter who becomes homecoming queen
Preoccupied with Materialism: Attempt to fill the voids with material goods
Security in Familiarity: One might stay at home where it is a safe place and avoid new relationships and environments
Unhealthy Attachments and Relational Dependency: Developing unhealthy boundaries and unsafe relationships in attempt to “fix” the loneliness
Constant Busyness: Remaining busy to avoid depressive thoughts and feelings of loneliness
Emotionally Reserved: Experiencing a fear and avoidance to be emotionally honest

If any of these sound familiar, you’re not alone. Many women struggling with depression discover their way to feeling secure, confident, and full of life during our sessions together. You don’t have to be alone in this. Connecting with an experienced counselor can give you the direction and support you need to move beyond the depression to joyful living.

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References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Depressive Disorders. Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders. (5th ed., pp. 155-188 ). Arlington, VA: American Psychiatric Publishing.
Berlinger, N. T. (2005). Rescuing your teenager from depression. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers.
Teen Depression – Mayo Clinic [3]
Harvard Health Publications. (2011, May). Women and depression. Harvard Mental Health Letter. Retrieved August 12, 2012 [4]

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Why Single Christian Women Stay Single

I read – I think on Essence online – how singer Ciara Wilson caught a lot of grief about sharing a clip of John Gray’s video about The Spirit of Girlfriend, which was meant to talk about why single Christian women stay single. I believe it was part of a longer message, but I’ve never seen the entire message – just that particular part. I DO know, however, that plenty of single women (many I’m sure were Christian) did not appreciate Ciara sharing the video with the message to “Level Up”.

A lot of those same women are probably mad with John Gray for sharing the message in the first place.

Personally, I can appreciate what he’s trying to say. Which is that when you make the decision to have better, generally better shows up. But, as I see it, the problem with his teaching is that it’s incomplete. Meaning, the heart of his message is one aspect of a very complex, and sad problem that Christians face today – in particular, Christian women.

Christian Women Seeking Christian Men

Here’s the truth about why single Christian women stay single…

First: One thing that I’ve noticed is that most of the teachings I’ve seen from Christian leaders in the pulpit are targeted towards women, which automatically fails to hold men accountable for their part of the problem. The messages usually go like this “Keep your legs closed, stop dating outside the church, stop dating on line, sit down, be happy and just wait on God”. Or “There’s nothing out there for you…just spend more time working in the church”. The problem is that the vast majority of Christian women who do this remain single…and I mean the never-married kind of single. And as a Bible-believing Christian the response to this should be to find out why instead of assuming that you know why. Because you don’t. AND BECAUSE God never intended for “man” to be alone. He created “woman” as his helper and equal to go through life with him.

Second: There’s so little follow up and support after these message are put out. Where are the CO-ED disucssion groups? The ones where the men are held accountable just like the women? Where are the conferences, retreats and workshops dedicated to this? They’re few and far in between in the church because it just isn’t on married church folk’s radar. Yet, some of those same church folk are quick to give you advice on how to stay single…because there just isn’t anything out there for you.

Third: There’s so few married people who are willing to mentor others who want marriage and family. And if they do, many of them charge money in exchange for their time. This is why so many singles spend time doing things that don’t work and finally make them give up and resign to remaining single for the rest of their life. It never ceases to amaze me how the people who SHOULD be writing books about this, hosting seminars or sharing how they did it…when they’re asked to, they get offended and say that it’s not a formula. True. But you obviously did something right to get where you are. And it is biblical to mentor others who need it. It’s not ungodly to help people not spend their 20’s and in some cases all their 30’s making horrible mistakes in the name of trying to find love.

So what do we do? Well, we stay connected to people and resources who encourage us and provide the support we need in times of frustration and confusion. Here are some of my personal resources and connections that keep me encouraged.

Don’t give up. No matter how bad it looks, just don’t give up.

Local Christian Single Women

Single-to-Married Facebook Prayer Group. They have live prayers calls every other week.

Aesha Adams-Roberts: Matchmaker and Dating Coach. Provides advice, encouragement and support for women who desire marriage.

Books:

Do you have resources already that you are connected to? If so, share them below in the comments.

Afi (pronounced Ah-fee) Pittman

Afi is a US Navy veteran, blogger and author. Her mission is to help you overcome your life, relationship and professional challenges.

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